Kitten Fever
by Sootsprites
Summary: It was actually an accomplishment, Darcy thought, that this was her weirdest day working with the Avengers. She'd lived down alien invasions and stolen coffee, but superheroes turning into cats? That was where she drew the line. Oneshot, unabashed crack.


**Kitten Fever**

It was actually an accomplishment, Darcy thought, that this was her weirdest day working for SHEILD. She worked with The Avengers, saw them daily, so for this to go on the record as the strangest of all strange days was really saying something.

It started out normal, if you could call getting her coffee stolen by a superhero normal. Agent Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye, had gotten into the habit of stealing Darcy's coffee. Every. Single. Day. Darcy had long since given up stopping him, or tasing him, or even trying to catch him. She would turn her back, and then the coffee would be gone. For a while, Darcy had made two cups, just to make it easier for him, but apparently that was insulting to him. Whenever she did that, he left it on the counter and made her look like a moron.

"I gave up trying to understand him a long time ago," Agent Romanoff had said when Darcy had finally gotten frustrated enough to ask her. "Just take it as a compliment."

"Ooo-kay." Darcy had replied skeptically, but she'd only gotten a mysterious smile for her trouble.

Anyway, Darcy was sitting at her desk, collating the notes that Jane had made last night after all the sane people had gone home. Half of them were looking like Japanese right now, which was never a good sign, and Darcy was just contemplating going up to the lab to get some clarification when Clint Barton skidded to a stop in front of her desk.

"I need your help." he said breathlessly.

Darcy blinked, to say she was confused would be an understatement. "Um... what?"

"Come on Darcy," He said, grabbing her arm and dragging her toward the elevator. Darcy stumbled over her feet and hit her hip painfully on the corner of her desk.

"Ow! Mother-" She cursed, finally wrenching her forearm out of his tight grasp as the elevator doors closed. Clint jabbed at the number 80 on the huge panel of numbers, top floor executive suite of the boss man himself.

He bounced on the balls of his feet, anxious. When he saw her looking at him with her patented You-Have-Five-Seconds-To-Explain-Yourself-Or-I'm-Getting-Out-My-Taser look and shrugged a little sheepishly.

"I need your help," he repeated.

"With what?"

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Barton gestured to the room. "This."

* * *

Tony Stark's penthouse was big, brightly lit, lavish and clean. The crater left by the rampaging demigod was apparently a thing of the past. The view was insane, and Darcy again felt that well of amazement (and a little bit of envy, okay a lot of envy) inside her stirring, she worked for/with/under the richest crazy person in the world, I mean, who could afford a view like this? In New York? Seriously? Nobody but Tony Stark.

"Okay, I seriously don't have clearance to be up here Clint, I don't even think I'm allowed to touch the buttons to get up here, let alone-"

There was a long high sound, a croon of sorts from the couch. Darcy finally tore her eyes away from the view to see a red cat stretched out on top of the (probably insanely expensive) couch.

A cat.

"Pepper finally forced Tony to get a cat?" Darcy asked, "This is your big emergency? Seriously?"

"No, Stark didn't get a-"

"I mean I understand that having another animal on your turf must be very confusing for you,"

"That's not what this is-"

"It's like a territorial thing with you-"

"Hey, I don't like what you're-"

"Someone else will be prowling around in your air vents now,"

"I need you to listen to me-"

"But I have actual work to do Clint, I can't keep playing your games, even though they are fun, especially Nerf Tag, but-"

"Oh please like you do any real work when Foster doesn't need you-"

"Hey, I do so do real work, just because-"

"_Miiiaaaaooowww_."

Clint and Darcy both looked at the red cat, who was looking at them now with a look that clearly said 'Shut Up You Idiots.'

Clint nodded his head, looking ashamed. "Right, sorry Natasha."

"Natasha?"

Darcy turned and looked at the lounging feline with fresh eyes. The cat began washing herself, and Darcy had the intense feeling that she was about to learn something very important and insane. Natasha the cat looked again at Darcy, twitched her little pink nose in her direction, and then sneezed.

"Somebody turned Natasha Romanov into a cat?" Darcy asked incredulously.

Clint's shoulders sagged in relief. "And not just Natasha, all of them."

"All of them?" He couldn't possibly mean-

"The whole team. Stark and Banner were showing us all something in the lab, some kind of thoretical astronomy, I don't know." Clint gestured around as he explained. "and then there was this weird smoke and sparks and shit all over,"

"Which is when you pull the fire alarm in high school," Darcy commented. That was the only part she remembered from chemistry class in high school, if anything has colored smoke, then you're supposed to pull the fire alarm and run_ as fast as you can_.

"Really?" Clint was derailed from his rant or a moment to look at her curiously. "You have to do that?"

Darcy shrugged. "Yeah, I think so."

"Hmm. Anyway, there was this hinky smoke and I guess I was the only one with enough brains to get behind something,"

"Miaow." Natasha objected loudly.

"Sorry Natasha," Clint said, holding his hands up. "I was the only one who got clear of the resulting explosion in time, and when the smoke cleared," he shrugged, and gestured to Natasha again. "Fuzz balls, all of them."

"All of them?"

"Tasha, Stark, Banner, Rogers and Thor were in the room when the thing went off." Clint said matter-of-factly, as if he were delivering a report to a superior instead of explaining this increasingly weird situation to an assistant that everyone liked, for some god-awful reason.

"Ooo-kay, so all the Avengers are cats except for you," Darcy mused, looking back at the reclining Natasha, who had gone back to grooming herself. After a moment of wheel turning, Darcy looked back at Barton. "Sooo, why do you need me?"

Clint spread his hands helplessly. "To help me find 'em."

Darcy had taken pains to learn to raise one eyebrow, she took much pleasure of doing so now. "A master spy-slash-assassin and you need my help to find a bunch of cats?"

Clint almost looked sheepish. But, before he could defend himself, a large and fluffy monstrosity came scampering out of another room in what must have been the labyrinth that made up Tony's penthouse.

At the sight of Darcy, the fluffy beast gave out a loud "Mrrrowrrr", barreled its whole weight into Darcy's shins, and began to purr. "Hello to you too Thor." said Darcy incredulously, dropping to her knees to scratch his ears. "I have to confess, I always thought you'd be a giant friendly dog, but this works just as well."

Thorcat "Mrrowrred" again and rubbed against her hand. Darcy giggled and looked up at Clint. "Okay, I'm in. What's first?"

* * *

It turned out that only Natasha-kitty and Thorcat had made their way back to Tony's penthouse, so that left three cats left to wrangle.

Clint was reluctant to take the lead, so Darcy decided to make an executive decision. "Tony will be somewhere with the science geeks." She decided promptly, striding to the elevators.

Thor tried to follow her, twice, and it was only after the third time of picking him up and putting him back on the couch that Natasha decided to intervene. All she had to to was put a dainty paw on Thor's fluffy head, and he stayed put.

"I don't know how she does it." Clint sighed, back in the elevator.

Darcy just shrugged.

As soon as they'd made their way onto one of the R&D floors, Clint disappeared. Darcy looked around hopefully for Jane, for any ally in this insane mess, but nearly got bowled over by an assistant carrying robot parts for her trouble.

And after twenty minutes of trying to get people's attention, Darcy's fuse got jut a little bit short. So she hopped up on a lab table and let out her patented taxi-and-hot-guy whistle.

Somebody may have dropped a beaker at the sound. Perhaps her whistle just shattered the glass. It was hard to tell.

"Listen up people," Darcy said in her best Asgardian voice (It was really all about projection). "There's possibly three cats running around here somewhere, and one of these is actually your boss. If you could look around for them and get back to me," and now would be where her ran derailed, fucking reality, "That would be just... super. Yeah."

Darcy could almost hear Clint laughing in the air vents, but she didn't have time for that right now.

And it was a testament to the weirdness of Stark Industries (or the strength of their human resources department) that the scientists didn't laugh or point or call the police. They mostly started looking around, and a few of them approached her for more details. Jackass that he was, Clint left her to fend for herself once the biologists got wind of this, but at least a cure was being synthesized now.

After a half an hour of searching, (why were there so many nooks and crannies in R&D? She'd only covered two floors) her cell phone went off. Fumbling it out, she pressed the blue button (it used to be a green button, but Tony had fiddled with it last week, and now whenever the battery was low it started making the TARDIS Engine noise). "Hello?"

"I found Tony." Clint said.

Darcy had to resist jumping for joy in the middle of a chemist's laboratory, that would be completely undignified for a quasi- S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent. She settled for doing a little fist pump, that was probably okay. "Yes, thank god, where is he?"

* * *

TonyCat, it turned out, was back in his own lab, up on the lab table where the remnants of the explosion had turned Lab #12 into a sterile white impression of somebody's stomach. Somebody who had just eaten pizza. And cupcakes. And washed it all down with root beer. Yeah.

Anyway, Tonycat was being a little shit and hissing at all the tech geeks in his lab, probably because it was _his_ lab and he didn't want anyone else touching his stuff. When Darcy got there, an intern was reaching for him and got scratches on his hand and wrist for his trouble.

Darcy took a moment to brace herself. _How the hell am I supposed to make these people listen to me?_ She thought desperately, but then Tonycat hissed again, his gray ears flat against his head and Darcy was striding forward and taking charge before she even knew what she was doing.

"Okay back up geeks, he obviously doesn't want to deal with the little people right now." She leaned down in front of Tonycat, scruffy and gray with this little kink in his tail that is so cute and strange and so _Tony_, that Darcy has to physically stop herself from cooing. The tiny circle of blue light that's impossibly embedded in his furry front is an afterthought.

"Hey there boss man." she says softly and at least he doesn't hiss at her. "You know me, right? I'm Jane's assistant that you wanted to hire a few months back? Darcy the bitchy intern? Do you understand me?"

If a cat could roll their eyes, then Tonycat was doing it. He sneezed at her, which she took as an affirmative. "Okay then boss man, do you remember anything that happened? Cause Agent Barton remembers an explosion and then," She snapped her fingers for emphasis, "Five Avenger felines. Thor and Natasha are being buds and waiting up in your penthouse, but that still leaves two missin' kittens, and we can't fix them if we can't find them, right?"

Tonycat made a startled noise and jumped of the table and streaked out of the room, his kinked tail bobbing behind him. Darcy took off after him, thanking god she wore her thick boots today because they made a great thunking noise when she ran, because that made everyone move out of their way.

Darcy wasn't sure why he was running, unless he felt he needed to find Captain Americat or The Hulkitty himself, but She caught up to him just outside the elevators, where he was wriggling his little butt and launching himself at the buttons.

Clint slid from an air vent and landed soundlessly beside her. For a second they both just stared at him. "Well, at least we found him." Clint said at last.

"Yup."

"What is he doing?"

"I'm rely not sure."

Tonycat turned around and looked at them, his little mouth turned down in a little frown and said, "Miiaoo." in such an annoyed tone that it took all of Darcy's self control to not burst out laughing at the sight.

Clint didn't have her self control, and started laughing right at the furry little creature. Clint's laughter caused her own laugh to bubble over and soon they were both laughing and clutching each other to keep upright.

Darcy was still laughing when her cell phone rang, wiping a tear from her eye as she brought it to her ear and said, "Hello?"

"Miss Lewis."

… Oh crap.

"Oh, hello Agent Coulson, sir."

She could almost hear him smirk. "So, I hear you have a feline problem up there in R&D?"

Her heart sank. "You uh, you hears about that, huh?"

He chuckled in that creepy way that was _so not a chuckle at all_. "Yes, I did. If you get the chance, could you come to floor 73 and collect Captain Rogers? He seems to have gotten turned around."

The sound that came from Darcy's mouth was somewhere between a whimper and the screech of a fifties housewife having just seen a mouse. Agent Coulson simply did his not!chuckle again, said goodbye and hung up.

"What?" Clint said, Tonycat now safely tucked in his arms and growling softly. His grin shrank a bit at the look on her face. "Whaaaat?"

"Captain Rogers turned up in Agent Coulson's suite." She got out as she pressed the buttons for the elevator. The doors opened immediately, which was weird. The look on Clint's face as he followed her into the elevator was half annoyed (Because Tonycat was batting at his chin) and half amused ( and she wasn't going to try to ferret out why).

* * *

Agent Coulson's suite looked like all the other suites in the Stark building: sleek and modern and high tech and clean. The only difference was that instead of robots or superheros or scientists bustling around, there was just the long low couch where everyone's favorite agent sat recuperating from a stab wound through the chest and ten minutes of death. Yes, Darcy had heard the gossip.

Well, everyone's favorite agent and a yellow and white cat, sitting upright next to him. Tonycat wriggled himself out of Clint's arms and bounded over to Captain Americat. They immediately started fighting. Well, it wasn't fighting so much and squabbling and batting at each other in a cute feline way.

"Hey, stop that!" Clint told them and went to break them up. He got scratches on his fingers for his trouble.

"They're just playing. Cats do that." Coulson said, and smiled fondly down at the tussling cats while Tonycat gave an indignant squawk.

"Well, um..." Darcy stood awkwardly on the edge of the room. Barton and Coulson were old buddies, apparently, but she'd never spoken to the guy, unless you counted the time when he'd stolen Janes' equipment (and her Ipod) which, you know, totally didn't count as talking.

She settled on. "Thanks for finding him, I guess."

"Hmm?" Coulson looked at her obliquely. "Oh, I didn't find him, he found me. I woke up from my nap and there was a cat sitting next to me."

"You shouldn't let the interns know you sleep." Clint said seriously. "It makes them think you're human."

"And we all know its you that's the experiment gone horribly wrong." Darcy told Clint, bending down to scoop up the Captain Americat that was currently perched on her shoes. "hey baby."

"You're a horrible person." Clint told her, grabbing Tonycat and starting for the door.

"Yeah, I love you too Clint."

"Miss Lewis." Agent Coulson called. Darcy looked over her shoulder apprehensively, but he just smiled that opaque smile that said nothing, nothing at all.

"If you're having trouble locating the rest of the team, you could ask Jarvis for help."

Darcy blinked for a moment.

"...Jarvis?"

"Yes Miss Lewis?" A cool voice tinged with a British accent said from nowhere, and Darcy jumped. Captain Americat put a paw on her collarbone, as if to calm her.

_Right. JARVIS. The creepy computer program that runs the building. That JARVIS. Forgot about him._

"Right." Darcy nodded slowly, wrapping her brain around that one. "Okay. Hi Jarvis."

"Good afternoon Miss Lewis."

* * *

They said their goodbyes and headed back up to Tony's penthouse, cats squawking at each other all the while. The first thing Darcy saw as she stepped out of the private elevator was Thor-kitty chasing after a sleek black cat.

The black cat turned and swatted at Thor-kitty. Tonycat took a flying leap out of Clint's arms and bounded across the room and out of sight.

"Ooo-kay." Darcy said, bending over and placing Captain Americat on the floor. "One big happy family, yeah. Right."

"Where'd that one come from?" Clint said, indicating the black one that was now up on a windowsill and hissing at Thorkitty and Natasha.

"Beats me." Darcy had her ideas, but she wasn't going to say any of them out loud. If Loki wanted to hang around and get himself blamed for this mess, than that was his prerogative. As if sensing this, Lokitty turned and "miaow"ed at her.

"Miaow to you too." Darcy grinned, biting her lip. "Jarvis?"

"Yes Miss Lewis?"

"Um, just Darcy is fine."

"Of course Just Darcy."

That made her smile. "Alrighty, Jarvis, do you know where Doctor Banner is?"

"I am locating him now." The cool British voice replied. A screen popped to life above the counter top, scaring Thorkitty and Lokitty off.

Lokitty looked offended, and promptly lay down and began to groom his paws. Thor-kitty wandered over and began grooming the smaller cat, and Lokitty did not bat him away. _Awww_.

"Perhaps I should alert Miss Potts?" Jarvis asked politely, but Darcy still got the feeling he was annoyed that he had to remind her.

Clint's eyes went wide and he shook his head at her rapidly. "No way, the last thing we need is Pepper coming back to see her boyfriend all fuzzy."

"Clint, she's gonna come back eventually." Darcy reasoned. "Yes Jarvis, please call her and tell her what happened."

"A wise decision I feel. Incidentally, I have located Doctor Banner. He is in the stairwell between the forty-fourth and forty-fifth floors."

Clint was already heading toward the elevator, and she hastened to join him. "Um, thank you, Jarvis."

"You are welcome Just Darcy."

* * *

As soon as they got to the forty sixth floor, Clint bounded out and nearly threw himself through the door leading to the stairs. But when Darcy followed him, she realized that Clint had gone up two flights instead of down.

"What are you doing?" She hissed at him, looking around for their missing cat.

"Getting a better spot." Clint whispered back, pulling his bow off his back and snapping it to full size.

Okay, she had to admit, that was kind of cool. But it also wasn't the point.

"Dude! What are you even gonna do up there?" Darcy hissed.

"Just go. I'll cover you."

"_This isn't Budapest Clint._"

Clint made a noise like he was choking. "Natasha told you about Budapest?"

Darcy bit the inside of her lip. "Well, no. but still."

Clint smirked, and waved his bow a bit, gesturing her to go forward. "Go on."

Darcy crossed her eyes at him before stomping back down the stairs. She stopped that after about half a flight, figuring that Dr. Bancat would get spooked and turn into The Incredible Fluff-ball if she went stomping around. _Maybe these boots are a bad idea after all_. Hesitantly, she slid them from her feet and put them back up on the landing.

There. No way Dr. Bancat could be intimidated by polka dot socks.

Darcy crept down the stairs cautiously, scanning the ground for a flash of fur, green or brown or gray, she really didn't know. She wasn't sure what a Hulkitty would actually look like, but she was hoping it wouldn't be a tiger or something.

Because that would suck. Like, a lot.

Finally, Darcy spotted a shabby brown cat curled up on the landing. He shivered on the concrete floor, and he scooted away from her a bit as she got closer.

"Hey doc." Darcy began in her most soothing voice. "Hey Doctor Old Spice. You remember me? I brought you and Tony lunch that one time? You liked my sweater? Remember?"

The brown cat shivered skipped a bit away from her.

Darcy dropped to her knees, maybe if she made herself look smaller he wouldn't be so scared. "Doctor, all the rest of the team are up in the penthouse waiting for you. Don't you wanna be all cute and fuzzy with all your friends?"

Doctor Bancat shuddered again. She reached out one hand to him, but he flinched.

"Darcy," Clint called, his voice echoing down from his perch above her. Doctor Bancat jumped and streaked down another flight of stairs. "You might want to get back."

But no. Darcy was determined. She had caught every single Avenger!Cat and dammit, she was gong to get this one too. She skipped down the stairs and reached for Doctor Bancat, who was shivering violently now.

Doctor Bancat shuddered away, letting out a yowl that was much lower than he should be able to make. Darcy lost her footing, falling back and landing half on the concrete stairs, a sharp pain shooting up her back.

"Clint." Darcy called, her eyes on the brown cat, than was now looking less brown and more

Green.

"Clint!" She shrieked, because Doctor Bancat seemed to be growing right before her eyes, his paws growing wider and his fur bristling. His dusty brown fur was changing to a strange shade that she'd never seen on an animal before.

Clint swore somewhere behind her and she could hear him thundering down the stairs, but all she could see now was the enormous shaggy cat that was crouching where Doctor Bancat had been curled a minute ago.

It yowled at her, loud and high like something out of her nightmares. It was green and shaggy with pointed ears and huge front paws and jaws bigger than any cat had a right to be. Darcy tried to scramble backwards, but she couldn't find her footing.

The thing crouched low, ready to leap for her throat, and then an arrow shot out of the air behind her and hit the big green cat in the shoulder.

It yowled again, and Darcy scrambled back up the stairs to where Clint stood on the landing above. As she watched, the cat began to sway and wobble, its head bobbing in an effort to maintain control of its own limbs.

A moment later, The Incredible Hulkitty slumped to the ground, out cold.

All was quiet in the stairwell.

"Okay, maybe I don't want to meet the Hulk." Darcy said, clenching her hands together.

Clint let out a short derisive laugh, then started down the stairs. Darcy bit her lip, twisting her fingers as Clint knelt beside the sleeping feline and hoisted the thing over his head and draped it across his shoulders.

He smirked when he saw her staring. "I used to lift sacks of feed as heavy as this back at the circus. No problem at all."

"Why am I surrounded by superheros that can bench press my body weight." Darcy grumbled, tailing behind him as they went back up the stairs. Then something clicked. "You were with the circus?"

"Yeah."

"Then why did you need my help you asshole!?" Darcy reached up and smacked Clint on the head.

"Ow!"

"I had things to do!"

"Ow!"

"You made me run around searching for cats all day!"

"Stop hitting me!"

"I nearly got eaten!"

"Oh come on, wasn't this more fun than doing paperwork all day?"

"No it wasn't!"

"..."

"You suck."

"Ow!"

* * *

It took the biologists two days to synthesize a cure for the Kitty Dilemma, as is came to be known. Thankfully, there weren't any super villain schemes to be foiled during the interim, so the American public never knew that their (current) favorite heroes had been fuzzified.

And yes, that was a word.

Doctor Bancat was only The Incredible Hulkitty for a few hours that first day, then he stayed his dust brown self and didn't have to be tranquilized anymore. For the bet really. Tonycat, Natasha and Thor-kitty all scratched Clint when they found out what he did.

Clint insisted that Darcy help him with "the fuzzballs" until they could be fixed. Since Jane was in hardcore science mode, Darcy accepted. She did pop out once every few hours to make sure Jane ate, because no one could make Jane eat anything but Darcy, and that was only because Darcy cared more about Jane not collapsing than about Science! (emphasis totally not hers)

Pepper ended up taking everything in stride and dealt with it all with a smile, which was why Pepper was on the top of Darcy's 'People Who Should be Superheros Because They're Just Better Than The Rest Of Us' list for the rest of eternity.

"So, what did I say?" Clint said, plopping down next to her with a bowl of popcorn in one hand and Captain Americat under his arm. "Is this not amazing?"

He was talking about the entertainment system, Darcy knew. And yes, it was amazing. But, Darcy thought as she pulled her fingers through Lokitty's sleek black fur, that thought could be applied to her whole life, if she so chose.

"Not a bad way to spend a couple of days." Darcy agreed, reaching out and grabbing a handful of popcorn, as a car was blown up on the huge screen. "Chillin' with the Avengers when they can't harass me back."

Tonycat snuffled from his spot lounging on top of the game system. Natasha emerged from wherever she had been and began lapping water from the dish that Pepper had bought.

"Coulson's been saying that you should do this all the time."

"Do what? Bug you and watch movies? Because if I could get paid to do that-"

"No, be a... superhero wrangler."

"Well, if Agent Coulson says I'm worthy,"

"He's not as bad as he seems."

"Is it petty that I still don't like him? Jane says its petty, but the guy stole my Ipod."

"You'll have to ask Natasha. Guy wouldn't let me keep one of Tony's evil Roombas, and I didn't speak to him for a three weeks."

"There were evil Roombas? Where was I when this happened?"

"I think you were in New Mexico, graduating."

"I'm gone for three days and I miss all the fun."

* * *

Thank God for the Avengers, or I don't think I ever would've gotten back into fanfic. This is unabashedly crack, but I love it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
